She woke up in the middle of the night and swung her legs out of the bed, planting her feet on the carpet.
“I’ve got something to tell you.”
Ray slept on, a feint whirring sound emanating from her nose.
“Are you awake?”
The whirring continued.
“Remember when we lived in Barr’s Grove? Was beautiful there. We were drinking a lot at the time though. Fun drinking though. It hadn’t gone wrong yet.
Normally we’d get the train in together but that day you had gone to work and left me with Tiger. I don’t recall why. I think I had the week off? We slept late. She pawed me awake for her food. I remember it was a glorious morning - sun pouring through the crack in the curtains. Coffee on, radio on. I was smiling despite my throbbing head and dry mouth.
I tapped away at some emails, social media…but I could feel the day sort of drifting away. I jumped in the shower and put on some summer clothes. I walked into the village.
That’s when I saw him. A wave of…it’s so hard to describe…but it was certainly a wave. I could have fallen over it was so strong. Nostalgia combined with..disgust? Anger? Frustration?
He looked older, of course, heavier, bearded, but still with the fashion sense of a 16-year old boy. He looked ridiculous. I watched him walk in and out of shops, perusing the aisles, buying nothing. Just a looker. He fiddled with things, pawed them. But didn’t take them away with him.
Again, I couldn't understand my intentions but I began to follow him. He stopped off at the Drovers and ordered a pint. I sat and watched him while he sat in the garden, smoking, drinking and playing with his phone like a kid. I was glad he was alone. I wasn’t alone. I had you. He looked like he didn’t have anyone. That eased the stabbing pain in my chest.
He drank more. I got into a routine of waiting for him to order and return to the garden, then going up to the bar myself and ordering the same drink, taking it back to my table and finishing up just as he approached the bar once more.
This went on for a couple of hours, several drinks. My feelings became wilder, more pointedly vicious. I watched him and I hated him. I hated how he had treated me and I hated how he had treated everyone after me and everyone before me and how he would treat every woman who crossed his path in the years to come. Another 40+ years of him? Who needs that.
My empty stomach churned with beer. My head was spinning, thick, red with fury.
Late in the afternoon he got up to leave and I followed. I was ready to say something to him. To ask him about that night. To find out what he thought of himself. Had he forgiven himself? He shouldn’t.
I caught up to him at the main road crossing at the top of the village. It was rush hour now and the pavements were packed.
He paused at the crossing as traffic sped past.
I stood behind him.
He was unsteady.
I gave him the smallest, most tentative nudge.
He fell forward, a man reached out his arm to steady him but it was too late.
I turned back around and walked quickly, drunkenly away as he went under the wheels.
I went back to the bar and drank, walked around some more, my mind empty, swirling.
You came home to find me passed out on the sofa, Tiger crouched on my side, purring.
You woke me with a kiss and an offer of a cold beer. We had a lovely, loving night. Remember those?
Anyway. I’m tired now. I just thought it was something you should know.”
Ray’s whirring continued, her eyes wide open and wet in the darkness.
Michael James Hall, January 9th, 2019.